What I've Been Up To

The screams of adulation that happened when the highlighting stage was done were loud enough to send my brother scampering from the room in fright.....

So if I've been given free will and humanity as my gifts, does that mean I can demand things? Does free will mean that I'm entitled to things? I'd certainly like to think so.

I'd like to think that I can demand whatever the hell I like, and that I better get it too. I'd like to think that I can set the rules, and that God had better get out of my way.

And then I almost puke after playing soccer, whatta CROCK. Me, all powerful? I can't even hold my lunch down.

Human beings can be so arrogant.

Do the words, "pissed off" mean anything? I've had it with this week! I've missed or botched two very important days, I can't pass a day without almost COLLAPSING WHERE I STAND, Thursday I thought I was going to die I felt so beat up, and now I can't sleep, regardless of what I do to myself to get me to sleep!  God, I'm tired of asking You to help, cause I don't have the strength to hold on, nor the willpower I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of feeling so weak that I can't even swim how I used to. It feels as if I'm becoming an old man before I'm even TWENTY! C'mon, God, give me a break, I'm tired of trying to pass these stupid tests. Yes, I know I'm weak, I know have so little faith! I know that! Thanks for the info on small and insignificant I am. I can't even control my own body, nevermind my mind. Speaking of which, it won't rest. It's too active, I guess. this means I'll stay up all night since I CAN'T REST!

I'm tired of second guessing myself, and for feeling like there's nothing to put myself into. Everything right now feels so EMPTY, so hollow. I'm drained, God. I've had enough. How am I supposed to resist Satan when you drain my body, which drains my mind, which drains my soul? How can I turn to You in the noise of my mind and pierce it when I don't have the strength to?? Oh, as I remember AFTER the fact, YOU had that strength, and I panicked. MOre weakness that HAS to go. I realize that to change is to be human, but maybe I'm tired of being human! Maybe I've had enough of this curse of free will that most find a blessing! I really have had it.

All of a sudden I remember why I asked God to just kill me when I found out I had this thing again. Cause it would attack my mind as well.  Nothing is safe from this damn thing at all. Don't worry, guys, I'm not backsliding or anything, but SERIOUSLY. This is stupid God!

Well, thank you for the lesson tonight, I suppose. It feels odd, but You only do well by me.

I'm tired, God. Knock me out.

Here's Saint Anthony with his base highlights in. I've started to learn this is the most amorhpous of the stages. This kind of indicates where the highlights are going but doesn't actually indicate it fully.

So Sunday was an ideal day for me, I went to church, and then went to a friend's birthday party. At the party my body did a lymes crash, and his parents had to drive me and my car back home. The next day my body lymes crashed and I couldn't go to another friend's baptism, chrismation, and holy eucharist! Frustrated? No, of course not...

I'm feeling better this morning, and I hope it lasts. I need to work badly.